I tend to helicopter parent from time to time. I want to be able to see my kids, know what they are doing, and I feel as though my eye on them is what keeps them safe. If you are a parent, then you will understand that need. It is an uncontrollable will that is ingrained within you. You are unable to be settled without knowing your children are safe.
My youngest son is only a month removed from turning eight years old. To date, I had not allowed him out of my sight, with the exception of very close friends and family. Last night he was able to come with me to Youth Group and attend the Hallowee..... wait, um..... Spooky party we had. During the Spooky festivities, it forced me to allow him to go off and hang out with a lot of people that I know, but whom I do not KNOW. I know who they are, maybe some background, and have even spoken to most of them. But the majority I do not intimately KNOW.
This situation brought up a couple of feelings inside of me:
#1 - The inherent need that God has to keep us safe, coupled with his deep wanting for us to make our own choices.
#2 - My own contentment to go about my life with as few deep relationships as possible.
I want to address #2 first. If you are a major rule follower, just try and get over it for a moment. I very carefully choose who I have a deep and sharing relationship with. The more of these relationships that I attempt, the more I am either hurt or disappointed by others. Is this my unwillingness to be let down? Or, am I not able to trust that, once they have let me down, they will be able to recognize this and acknowledge it appropriately? Maybe it's just laziness? What if caring for others is just too much work? The idea that I am a selfish person also comes to mind. I don't really want to get into all of that sometimes. If I am really honest about it, I feel like I just don't have the guts. An old friend of mine, Heath Hood, was someone that I allowed into the private part of myself that very few people area allowed. When I say very few, I mean he and my wife were literally the only ones that I trusted that much to give them everything I had (good and bad). It is now just my wife. Heath ended up dying of a heroin overdose in a crappy motel and was left there by the other druggies who did not want to be there when the police finally showed up. I knew he was not doing well. I knew things were not good. I NEVER fathomed that outcome. Maybe that's the crux of the whole matter? Maybe knowing that the ones we love are the ones that can surprise us with the biggest and worst surprises. His death scarred me very deeply. It scarred me not in the "Hey, what's that scar on your arm?" kind of way but more in the, "I don't take my shirt off so people won't see the hideous gash in my chest" kind of way. So I fend people off, wanting to go deeper, all the while rubbing my fingers across my scar and reminding myself of how much it hurt.
As for #2? Letting go of my son for minutes at Youth Group was nerve racking! If I was God, I would be handing my son a book when he was born and telling him to do what it says. I would then send him into a world that tells him that my book is a fairy tale fantasy, dreamed up by liars and cheats to create a society of docile sheep and rich, swindling pastors. I cannot imagine what God goes through having so many children and caring so deeply about all of them. My ability to understand the depth of His feelings is so minuscule, but He gives me a glimpse through my own son. I can almost hear him whisper to me, "I trust you with My kids. Take care of them". That really is our mission isn't it?
No comments:
Post a Comment